grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.