My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?