[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send