Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Her: “I want you to have this bracelet that belonged to my grandfather.”
Me: “Why does it say ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ on it?”
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”