Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.