Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Dads are required to say PARDON ME when there’s a loud thunderclap
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
* nudges wife gently awake at 2 AM
I think my Captain America shield comes today.