I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.