Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van