Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.