I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe