I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never