Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.