if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.