I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Some of my best eBay purchases were bought when I was high.
Except that Batgirl costume this one time (at band camp)…Chaffing.
That’s all I’m saying…
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.