Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”