Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong