Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.