There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.