“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t