Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
You raise a generation of overthinkers by telling them to put on their thinking caps in second grade, but never to take them off.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly