Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person