The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)