Why did they have to bleep out everything R2D2 said?
hydraulic press for headaches
as cold as it is i may take up that offer for a ride in that windowless van
Some of you have never been punched in the face and it shows.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Happy Meal.
The one hour wash on my dishwasher runs for 124 minutes.
So that makes sense
Does anyone know if I can use a lawnmower to get snow and ice off my driveway?
My sister came over today and her hair is so gorgeous, I want to punch her in the face
Ugh, I hate when my coworkers try to message me during my online shopping hours.
Last Monday I went to the gym and I’m proud to report I’m still en route
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
People might drive more safely
if airbags were filled with glitter
I don’t have time to exaggerate, I have a million things to do today
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Just like pasta, it is better to bend people to your will with boiling water and a large wooden spoon than to break them in half.