I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.
Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
I think we now have enough evidence to know that abolishing billionaires is a public health issue. It’s inhumane to let anyone suffer the brain damage caused by that kind of money
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
asking my bank if i can do extra credit
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
Housework is boring, and it is futile. You make the bed, you do the dishes. Six months later, you got to start all over again. JOAN RIVERS
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.
No crypto for me thanks, at least not until I figure out how dollars work.
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise