I need to remind myself daily that I am pretty awesome and that I can do absolutely anything.
Except reach the top shelf, I can’t do that.
A rich person walking around like “oh my, where are my manors?”
The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.
that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir
Vaping must feel incredible, because NOBODY thinks it looks cool.
I just got an email that they closed schools tomorrow because of the impending snow storm so I told my 7yo that he if gives me $5 he doesn’t have to go to school tomorrow
a realtor showing you an absolutely unusable space in a house: how cool is that?
There are no kids named Durf if you’re looking for a void to fill.
Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
the only career advice i have is make every decision that moves you closer to not having to be on linkedin
My favorite part of any relationship is the very beginning, before the other person realizes what a mess you are and what a huge mistake they are making
Would it be possible to visit this cool ranch where the Doritos are being packaged? I just want to make sure they’re being treated well
My coworker complained that I pee too loud to my boss but I refuse to moan silently
DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.
It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink