let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
Wife is out of town, so I’ve got the whole bed to myself. Time to sprawl out like a starfish and enjoy every inch*
*I slept in my usual two-foot sliver
Went shopping for camouflage but didn’t see anything
Not much more embarrassing than going to play hoops with a friend and they’re thinking basketball and you’ve guessed hula.
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
I’m steeping a pot of lavender mint tea, whilst higher than a pterodactyl’s pee pee,
and I love this for me.
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
Relationship status update:
It’s been so long I’ve advertised my face as a chair on Facebook marketplace
Nothing worse than when I turn up to Park Run to find it is indeed going ahead
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
