Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕