I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”