The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.