I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what