That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
You wish you had this many chins.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send