She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.