Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together