Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
You wish you had this many chins.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.