Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me