Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
You know a guy is a creep if he shelves American Psycho with “how-to books.”
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms