My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Wake me when AI does housework
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
The government even made aliens boring