A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Cashiers are always checking me out
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Putting kids to bed is like, I love you but I really need you to leave me alone for the next 8 hours.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.