It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Wake me when AI does housework
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
The government even made aliens boring
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container