hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I put the mess in domestic.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?