My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.