Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke