[job interview]
My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar
The government: You’re hired
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
“Want me to tell you how to murder someone and get away with it?”
—my 9yo, making conversation at lunch. At a restaurant. In public.
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
Saturday
THEM: “Dress for the job you want, not the one you have.”
ALSO THEM: “The samurai sword violates our office health and safety rules.”
My wife is napping quietly and the villain of this story is about to be this sneeze.
Robot bartender rips me in half after listening to my problems for over an hour.
Used makeup concealer on a zit with an artistic precision that would rival da Vinci.
I don’t care how comfortable it looks, I’m not buying a chair called a Lovesac.
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
My husband had a coworker who entered his baby in the local fair’s baby competition a while ago and I think they just make up superlatives for all of the babies because his won “sturdiest baby”
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
