The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.