i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.