Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.