None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.