If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?