Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
I put the mess in domestic.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
Mother, may I invite the aliens over for dinner?
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.