I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
This is my emotional support knife.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you