Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.