So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”