Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy