Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon